TV Bits

George: Maura, I want you to know, I’ve given this a lot of thought. I’m sorry, but we have to break up.
Maura: No.
George: What’s that?
Maura: We’re not breaking up.
George: We’re not?
Maura: No.
George: …alright.

The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It’s for gettin’ around…like a jeep.

Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said “Yeah, I got this new thing— “platonic”. My idea, my name, callin’ it after myself… What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them— don’t do anything… and go right home. What’dya think? I think it’s going to be big!” I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn’t work. Y’know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: “Hi, my name’s Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it’s a “Riconic relationship…”

George: So she coughed…?

Jerry: Coughing? Naked? It’s a turnoff, man.

George: Everything goes with naked.

Jerry: When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action.  It’s like watching a fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

George: Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend trying to picture women naked?

Jerry: But the thing you don’t realize is there’s good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good. Naked crouching…bad.

I never get enough sleep. I stay up late at night, cause I’m Night Guy. Night Guy wants to stay up late. “What about getting up after five hours sleep?”, oh that’s Morning Guy’s problem. That’s not my problem, I’m Night Guy. I stay up as late as I want. So you get up in the morning, you’re exhausted, groggy, I hate that Night Guy! See, Night Guy always screws Morning Guy. There’s nothing Morning Guy can do. The only thing Morning Guy can do is try and oversleep often enough so that Day Guy loses his job and Night Guy has no money to go out anymore.

Jerry: So Sophie gave me the “it’s me” on the phone today.
Elaine: “It’s me”? Isn’t that a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: She’s not a “me.” I’m a “me.”
George: I’m against all “it’s me’s”. So self-absorbed and egotistical. It’s like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes.