TV Bits

Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you have somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, “Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!” That being said, it’s my obligation to let you in on the organization’s one and only bylaw: We’re men.
J.D.: Yes, we are.
Dr. Cox: …The women are men. The children are men. The men, of course; men! So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five Man Cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I’m going to take one from you.
J.D.: I don’t need your approval, or your stupid “Man Cards”! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: [Snatching one] Thank you.
J.D.: Dammit!

Janitor: Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
J.D.: No! I hate pudding and I don’t use… toilet paper…I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
Janitor: Bidet?
J.D.: Bidet to you sir.

Nine pounds in a week!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone’s clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is - oh, I don’t know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I’m supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God’s honest truth? And this is a fact - you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn’cha!

I don’t like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets.

J.D.: There. Just a tiny splinter! It’s funny; I can’t stop thinking about Aesop’s Fables - you know, the one where the the lion’s always hassling the little mouse..but then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw.
JANITOR: Oh, right…. but then the lion kills him anyway. Yeah.
J.D.: No he doesn’t.
JANITOR: Trust me.